2. Jamie Benton
3. Lisa and Gran
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Mr. and Mrs. Harton
(A restaurant. A middle aged man enters, Mr. Harton, he carries a pretty looking bag. Out of the bag sticks the torso of a
Parisian mannequin doll dressed in a nice blouse and a pearl necklace. He is met by a waiter.)
Waiter: Sir?
Mr. Harton: I have reserved for Mr. and Mrs. Harton, at eight.
Waiter: Yes sir, I see. When will Mrs. Harton be arriving?
Mr. Harton: She is here …
Waiter: Good sir, shall I bring you to your seat or will we wait for her to join us?
Mr. Harton (A little annoyed): As I said, she is here …
Waiter: Yes, I heard Sir say so. But shall we wait for her to join us …?
Mr. Harton: She IS here …
Waiter: Pardon?
Mr. Harton (Points at the mannequin): How dare you insult my wife!!
(The waiter looks momentarily startled, but knowing that Mr. Harton is a millionaire he quickly tries to regain himself.)
Waiter: Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realise … Of course, she is your wife. Excuse me for this mix-up, I just thought this lady far too young to be your wife …
(This remark hasn’t the desired effect.)
Mr. Harton: Are you saying I’m a cradle snatcher?
Waiter: Oh sir, no sir!! No, it’s just, she’s so beautiful!!
Mr. Harton: Are you saying that I am too ugly to have a wife like this?
Waiter: No sir!!
Mr. Harton: Are you trying to seduce my wife?
Waiter: No sir!!
Mr. Harton: Are you calling my wife a gold digger?
Waiter: No sir!!
Mr. Harton: A Heather Mills perhaps?
Waiter: Certainly not!!!
Mr. Harton: Take us to our seats then …
Waiter: Yes, naturally …
(They walk through the restaurant. Everyone stares at them. The waiter pulls the chairs out, so that the couple can sit.
Mr. Harton first makes perfectly sure that his wife sits correctly, only then he takes his seat. Once both are seated the waiter takes his notepad.)
Waiter: Anything for starters sir?
Mr. Harton: Nothing, thanks …
Waiter: Your wife, perhaps?
Mr. Harton: My wife? Are you insane, she’s a model, she doesn’t eat anything!!
Waiter (Chuckling with relieve, thinking that perhaps Mr. Harton has been kidding all the time.): Of course not, a doll can’t …
Mr. Harton (Deadly serious): A supermodel, she is on a diet. She only drinks water, don’t you, Victoria?
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Jamie Benton
(Loud rock music and a sports show. His mother comes in.)
Mother: Jamie, could you turn this racket off and come downstairs please? There is someone on the phone for you.
Jamie: Yeah, right … Who is it?
Mother: A strange person called Darren …
Jamie: Oh, cool, Darren would call me if he scored tickets for the game …
Mother: Oh Jamie, what has happened to you, last month you didn’t even like sports …
(a loud guitar solo) or this …
Jamie: Yeah, right, but now I do, ok, all the boys do it …
Mother: You weren’t a boy either, last month …
Jamie: Don’t go there mother!!
Mother: Just because you’re a boy now doesn’t mean you have to radically cut the past from your life …
Jamie: I hated the past!!
Mother: Then you won’t mind if I throw your My Little Pony video’s away!!
Jamie (girls voice): Don’t you dare throw My Little Pony out!!!
Mother: But Jamie, that’s girls stuff!!
Jamie: No it’s not!! It has monsters, chases and hot girls!! It’s … its unisex …
Mother: Shouldn’t you answer Darren now?
Jamie: Yeah, right, but you stay away from the Pony!!
(Later)
Jamie: Mother: Darren and I will go to the game, score some chicks and compare our penis size!!
Mother: Jamie, you don’t have a penis … not for six months anyway …
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Lisa and Gran
(A slightly chubby girl -Lisa- in her early puberty sits on the couch with her grandmother. Lisa seems a bit upset.)
Grandmother: They bully you?
Lisa: Yes … they say I’m fat and stuff …
Grandmother: Oh come here!! (She hugs her, then gets up and walks to the closet, saying while walking:)
I’ll have something that’ll cheer you up (she rummages through tins).
Lisa: I want to go on a diet …
Grandmother: That might be best (she has found an exceptionally large bag of crisps) I still don’t understand how you got so fat,
you used to be such a trim little thing. You really should work on getting thin. (She plonks the bag in front of Lisa.) There you go dear,
that’ll cheer you up.
(Lisa stares at her, dumfounded.)
